It is difficult for me to say my feeling
right at the moment. I am extremely frustrated about my life. What do I want to be? This question always
pops up in my head. I know my answer, which is being a good wife. How about my
job? I always want to do my best in my job. Unfortunately, it comes to my
problem. I can seldom work as expected. I have planned many things but I can
only finish half of them, or even less. ‘Chance’ has been here. I have tried to
grab but it slips away. I feel extremely uncomfortable about this.
Where do my confidence go these day? This
is another question that I ask myself these days. What I can say is that I
discover that my confidence left me silently without any notification in the
past few years. Maybe it is the phenomenon after the HKCEE. I am extremely
worried about the result, and also the academic performance when I was a Form 6
student. When I was a Form 7 student. My confidence left and only ‘alone’ is
left.
When I am with my friends, I try my best to
be happy and talkative. I am indeed. However, after that, I feel being alone
again. In fact, my personality is quite strange. I can be talkative and I can
be silent suddenly. I can stay silent for a few hours without giving a sound of
‘hum’.
There is a big degree of difference between
silent and quiet. I am regarded as silent but not quiet. This is not a normal
character for a talkative person.
Uncomfortable and unsafe can be used to
describing my daily life recently. There is no doubt that I am filled with love
completely by people surrounding me. However, there is something in my mind
that I cannot overcome it. I do not know what it is. I is so disturbing and I
lose my control on it. What can I do so I can save myself? What am I worrying
about?
The 5-ball Theory gives me a big hint in my
life indeed. My friend told me that it seemed that I had lost some of the glass
ball. I answered that I struck a good balance between all of them. After giving
these words, I considered my answer as ‘cheating for the whole world’. Is it
the right thing that I tell myself I have struck a good balance between all of
them? I cannot judge myself. There are always pros and cons. I may know whether
it is good to me.
What can I do right now? I had better clear
my mind. I think I shall wake myself up and find my lost confidence. One day, I
can prove that I am doing the right thing and I can give myself an answer.
